Archives for posts with tag: zen

this is the third time i’ve used this image and i will never stop – EVER

First I got depressed. Then I went to Seattle to live with my sister, Michel. She is a yoga teacher extraordinaire and owner of BeLuminous Yoga. While I was there she gave me unlimited access to yoga, yogis, yoga-knowledge, yoga-wisdom, yoga-minded-books, and helped me decide to go meditate for 100 hours. Basically, she saved my life.

While I was there I read every book on eastern philosophy that anybody has ever written ever in the history of the eververse. These guys and gals from the 1960’s or the BCs all showed me some fascinating things about the nature of life. They convinced me they attained enlightenment and, by god, I should get Read the rest of this entry »

[This first bit of this is my own depression. In the depths of shit it’s nice to read about somebody else’s depths sometimes. If you don’t want to join the pity-party then scroll down to the bold to find Depression-starving ideas.]

don’t kid yourself!

Every moment was proof of my worthlessness. Every thought proof of my guilt. Every interaction a demonstration of the complete ominous nature of life. My future grew darker as I learned through irrational, yet completely convincing, thoughts to hate myself and the world more perfectly.

And then the light bulb went off, the answer loud and clear: kill yourself! Rid yourself of the the world and the shackles of society. One free act and forever my problems fixed.

But then I remembered that I’ll be dead anyway. So why worry about it? Live like you’re dying! Because you are! … Then back into depression.

When I was thrown into this stormy state of being I had just raised half a million dollars to manage in a fund I had just started. I had trade setups sure to bring me unlimited wealth in my life. I also had outlined and was bringing a team together to form SelfMadeU, the first business to provide a complete education on how to survive and thrive in this world without a college education. There would be an accompanying documentary I was sure would take the gold at Sundance. I graduated, took a well-paying job. Then it hit. A fucking critical hit because something snapped. Unable to do anything well – in my mind anyway – I thought the best course of action was to drop everything and fix the mind.

Well, it turns out depression doesn’t get ‘fixed’. I moved in with my divorcing parents and things went downhill quick. Into that sucky dark weighty abyss completely void of hope or trusted happiness (each smile is a ‘lie’). It’s shit and there is no way around that.

Nobody ever told me that becoming a man was more about feeling big boy pain (soul pain!) than killing wolves. Nobody sat me down and said, “Son, one day you are going to be hurt on a level that is unfathomable. One day everything you believe now is going to be shot in the face and you’re going to be left with an existential void that you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to figure out or forgetting.”

if only it were so obvious

Read the rest of this entry »

I went to the RNC some time ago, quite some time! (Why do we say ‘some’ to mean a lot when we talk about time but just a little bit when talking about other things?) While the Maine Massacre  had happened I was in Maine sitting on a lakeknowing exactly zero about the madness of the Mainerds (“spelling?” I had to write that if I thought I may have misspelled something in school; school likes to reward those who are scared about being wrong instead of hopeful in being right) in Tampa. When I came back to the lovely mugginess of Florida I had to check out the main event. I was planning on selling some shirts with “OMG WTF” on them, the “O” was an Obama symbol.

a friend wearing a friendly shirt

But Will got stuck in traffic and behind streets that were closed down by armies of bicycle cops. I sat on a concrete barrier and looked at the people around me. Then I wrote this on my phone: Read the rest of this entry »

maine runs on these scorpion cousins

[Yes, Maine was one of the first states so it has more right to be Amurican than most states. So me calling it Canadian has no real basis in anything except a picture on a map, but either does anything else I’ve said today. I hope you can make sense of this madness below.]

My grandma put a gun to my grandpa’s head 37 years ago. “You will buy this fucking cabin, Edward.” He did, but there was no gun involved and there certainly were no curse words. My grandma was maybe the greatest student of Mary Baker Eddy’s Christian Science. If I thought that a religion could capture the elusive Truth then I’d try to be the second greatest student of that religion. Nana is gone now but she left me with a cabin in the woods to retreat to with family, a lot of love, a closeness with family, her Christian Science studies, and an appreciation for the incomplete disappearance of somebody when they die – she’s always there in very real ways. Love you Nana <3. Read the rest of this entry »

the thing pre-words

Words are symbols we use to explain ideas and point at things. “It’s cold” is pointing at a sensation very different from the one I would explain as “hot”. We all know this but don’t keep it in mind. We don’t see when the explanations don’t match the explained. One benefit of meditation is quieting the mind so you can see the sensation being explained.

A picture of a bike is no bike. We use the picture to build an image of a bike in our mind. And so our words describing our life are not Read the rest of this entry »

We kill faith every time we demand it of something that isn’t there. Religious institutions are built on demanding you believe things for now reason. I’m not even sure what happened in my own head last week but these people try to tell me I should believe their account of what happened in some guy’s head thousands of years ago. “It’s obviously true if you just take the leap of faith! Then you’ll truly see the glory of My Golden Calf.” The one thing that is blasphemy is my own experience. _____ forbid I have faith in my own Seeing. Buddha said the only thing you should trust is your own experience of life. Then they built golden statues of fat-face Buddha representing his own experience. Sure, it’s a picture of what experience could be, but it’s awfully hard to hold yourself in esteem while kissing a golden foot. “Burn the Buddha!”, is what I always say this once.

respecting your experience even if you can’t respect yourself

Faith is an imperative of life, though. Read the rest of this entry »

public broadcasting, deprogramming to reprogram, teenage vampire enthusiasts

I’m so brainwashed that I think about Snooki. She serves as an explanation for every poofy-haired girl with hoopy earings and a face of oral fixation I’ve ever seen. Even though the hair is probably Gwyn Stefani. Holla-back girl! I’m so brainwashed I think happiness can be found in a study. I’m so brainwashed I start to believe the news whole-heartedly after watching it for five minutes. I can talk about a news headline for a full day.

I scrubbed my head Read the rest of this entry »

I went to bed last night. Good for me! My roommate and lunatic thing-maker roommate Hunter asked me

What would you tell me if you were going to die tonight?

“I love you, Hunter.” Then I went to bed and I knew I was a liar. That’s the default but it’s not what I would wish him. I think I’d actually say, “Have fun!” That’s way better. Imagine your friend dying and the last thing they told you was “Have fun!” What a phrase to carry the weight of death. Maybe that would make a good epitaph.

what kind of fun?

There are some things that happen that make obvious the preciousness of the moment – like considering dying. Nowever! It’s the “Holy shit right here right now I am!” realization that doesn’t use those words but feels Read the rest of this entry »

It feels so good to get naked so I set up a website where I put snapshots of my nakedness. Three in the morning and three at night – every and all nights. I didn’t have the balls, or wiener, to post pictures of my bare body so instead I’m posting snapshots of my soul. MY NAKED SOUL! Poems, fucking weird collections of words that my soul puked up at some point in time. By stripping down the soul we are going to get So Fucking Zen!

So many nudeynakeys!

Their are all sorts of pukings – inspiring, digging soulward, finding The Who, perception. The only Read the rest of this entry »

life is the universal default

I was laying on the floor in my mother’s apartment with bloodshot eyes when the answer to life hit me: just kill myself! It made perfect sense logically – life is terrible, so just stop doing it. (Oh the raging hormones of a depressed twenty-something!) I laid there with the inescapable Answer but it didn’t feel quite right. I knew something was askew. I was depressed and everything was terrible and the last nice thing I thought to myself was, “Good job, you took a shower today!” That had been three days prior.

There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. – Albert Camus

It seems like the answer to that question is in every breath taken, meal eaten.

Sometimes life fails us and we need to end it. End the experience.

Here’s the secret: You don’t kill your whole self. Read the rest of this entry »

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