Archives for posts with tag: mindfulness

[This first bit of this is my own depression. In the depths of shit it’s nice to read about somebody else’s depths sometimes. If you don’t want to join the pity-party then scroll down to the bold to find Depression-starving ideas.]

don’t kid yourself!

Every moment was proof of my worthlessness. Every thought proof of my guilt. Every interaction a demonstration of the complete ominous nature of life. My future grew darker as I learned through irrational, yet completely convincing, thoughts to hate myself and the world more perfectly.

And then the light bulb went off, the answer loud and clear: kill yourself! Rid yourself of the the world and the shackles of society. One free act and forever my problems fixed.

But then I remembered that I’ll be dead anyway. So why worry about it? Live like you’re dying! Because you are! … Then back into depression.

When I was thrown into this stormy state of being I had just raised half a million dollars to manage in a fund I had just started. I had trade setups sure to bring me unlimited wealth in my life. I also had outlined and was bringing a team together to form SelfMadeU, the first business to provide a complete education on how to survive and thrive in this world without a college education. There would be an accompanying documentary I was sure would take the gold at Sundance. I graduated, took a well-paying job. Then it hit. A fucking critical hit because something snapped. Unable to do anything well – in my mind anyway – I thought the best course of action was to drop everything and fix the mind.

Well, it turns out depression doesn’t get ‘fixed’. I moved in with my divorcing parents and things went downhill quick. Into that sucky dark weighty abyss completely void of hope or trusted happiness (each smile is a ‘lie’). It’s shit and there is no way around that.

Nobody ever told me that becoming a man was more about feeling big boy pain (soul pain!) than killing wolves. Nobody sat me down and said, “Son, one day you are going to be hurt on a level that is unfathomable. One day everything you believe now is going to be shot in the face and you’re going to be left with an existential void that you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to figure out or forgetting.”

if only it were so obvious

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[This post is about my experience at a 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat I went to… it’s written for people considering going to a retreat themselves or who like meditation/mindfulness/presentness in any way.]

I spent .4% of my time like this

I finally went schizo. I always saw it in movies “wow look at that Crazy” but now I was the crazy. There was the mind saying “shut up”, the mind demanding ice picks in faces, the quiet mind under all the noise. I thought I was going into a retreat of ultimate peace. I thought I was on the fast track to Nirvana. “It’s definitely a good idea to shoot Read the rest of this entry »

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