Archives for posts with tag: depression

[This first bit of this is my own depression. In the depths of shit it’s nice to read about somebody else’s depths sometimes. If you don’t want to join the pity-party then scroll down to the bold to find Depression-starving ideas.]

don’t kid yourself!

Every moment was proof of my worthlessness. Every thought proof of my guilt. Every interaction a demonstration of the complete ominous nature of life. My future grew darker as I learned through irrational, yet completely convincing, thoughts to hate myself and the world more perfectly.

And then the light bulb went off, the answer loud and clear: kill yourself! Rid yourself of the the world and the shackles of society. One free act and forever my problems fixed.

But then I remembered that I’ll be dead anyway. So why worry about it? Live like you’re dying! Because you are! … Then back into depression.

When I was thrown into this stormy state of being I had just raised half a million dollars to manage in a fund I had just started. I had trade setups sure to bring me unlimited wealth in my life. I also had outlined and was bringing a team together to form SelfMadeU, the first business to provide a complete education on how to survive and thrive in this world without a college education. There would be an accompanying documentary I was sure would take the gold at Sundance. I graduated, took a well-paying job. Then it hit. A fucking critical hit because something snapped. Unable to do anything well – in my mind anyway – I thought the best course of action was to drop everything and fix the mind.

Well, it turns out depression doesn’t get ‘fixed’. I moved in with my divorcing parents and things went downhill quick. Into that sucky dark weighty abyss completely void of hope or trusted happiness (each smile is a ‘lie’). It’s shit and there is no way around that.

Nobody ever told me that becoming a man was more about feeling big boy pain (soul pain!) than killing wolves. Nobody sat me down and said, “Son, one day you are going to be hurt on a level that is unfathomable. One day everything you believe now is going to be shot in the face and you’re going to be left with an existential void that you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to figure out or forgetting.”

if only it were so obvious

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The top search term for this blog is “just kill yourself”. I don’t know why anybody would search that. Do they hate Google? Is that like a virtual punching pillow? Or are they talking to themselves in the third person shouting that they should stop being a pussy and just do it already. I don’t know really, I hope they started having a better time once they got here though. I hope they learned that there is always a Self that you should kill, but that it is almost never the big One that seems so obvious.

Behind that is “porn star fucked”, I’m not sure if the second two words are going to make that search any more useful. It sounds like kind of an angry search – maybe they’re in the process of killing unwanted pieces of Self! That would be exciting. I wonder what that person did when they got sent to my post about baring my naked soul to the world through poetry. Were they touching themselves? Were they at work? Did their horny-rage get smooshed by ooshygooshy poetry? I have no idea, but this is wonderful.

WEEEEEE SHOW ME THEM CROWS FEET

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who battles the zeus-battler?

God came down and talked to me last night. Was I dreaming? Don’t think so. Not the god-as-the-universe god, I’m talking God-God, Zeus-God. Real fleshy booming lightning and thunder and creator of universes on purpose God. He came down to me and told me my purpose in life. He said, “Your life is your purpose in the Universe.”

He told me my purpose in life was to be afraid, to experience depression, to regret everything, to be neurotic. God made me a promise, “I have willed that you make at least three more catastrophic mistakes before I kill you.” What a guarantee! How stressful! Why would God make me suffer so much? Not even as a test – why would he create such a foolish meaning?

He told me my purpose in life was to feel Read the rest of this entry »

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