Furor Shnooks?

I love Snooki like nothing else. Anything negative in the world can be blamed on her and nobody has to argue about it. It’s the Snooki effect. That’s what bother’s me about Snooki more than anything else – the fact that she actually doesn’t bother me that much. Maybe she’s like a Charlie Sheen, playing us all. The Snooki Conspiracy. I thought, “Maybe Snooki is a cultural ninja infiltrating the airwaves.”

After realizing the Snooki influence was surrounding me I decided to leave the infested culture behind and begin my studies from a secret Snooki-proof lair somewhere outside Area 51. From here I slowly decoded the Snooki Secret. I followed her rise to MTV-fame and poof-hair influence all the way from the time she was born from her own Snooki. That’s correct, she comes from a long pure-blooded line of Snooki.

Few know this, but “snooki” comes from the ancient Greek word “shnook” roughly translates to “große Lüge” in German which translates to “big lie” in American (yes, Amuuuriicann). This is Adolf Hitler’s “Big Lie” which he describes in his adorable little book Mein Kompf:

because the broad masses of a nation are always more easily corrupted in the deeper strata of their emotional nature than consciously or voluntarily; and thus in the primitive simplicity of their minds they more readily fall victims to the big lie than the small lie, since they themselves often tell small lies in little matters but would be ashamed to resort to large-scale falsehoods.

Is Snooki a Nazi infiltrating American culture with her poofy hair, poor ideas of being a parent, and worse ideas of education? There is no telling for sure behind shadows so thick with misinformation. One thing is for sure – she is much more than a girl who gets her face punched on television.

A more thorough investigation of Snooki and her creations:

Some things I learned from looking at The Snooki dead in her beady little eyes:

  1. We need the Shnooks. She is the on the dumb end of our polarizing society. The internet is doing a fantastic job at providing places for anyone to find ‘their people’. The ease of finding your group is blowing up the phenomenon of agreeing with each other loudly. When the smarties go talk smart in one corner, the dummies are going to go yell dumbly in the other. When they have sufficiently built up each others’ confidence they will yell something across the room. The less the interface the more extreme they get. The extreme of the Snookis running around at bars applying tanning lotion while simultaneous groping around for the nearest rod shaped item to gobble down means there is a recluse at home somewhere who hasn’t seen a human in over a week but has gained at least 1300 karma on reddit. Then there are the really crazy ones who steal from both camps and make something to help out. Or at least that’s what I like to assume.
  2. She’s only dumb in most ways. There are things she is good at I’m sure. There are 8 intelligences I’ve heard, she has to be good at something! I don’t know anybody with a fade but I’m sure they could attest to her felacio abilities. She’s a star! She’s pregnant! She’s pretty much a bitch but keeps her friends around. Perhaps ‘being Snooki’ is the 9th intelligence. She has mastered the art of enjoying a position designed for ridicule. There is a popular idea that you need to be overly intelligent to ‘make it’ when there are plenty of Snookis around us to demonstrate the exact opposite. There are always more dumb confident people with money than smart people who forgot that a little stupidity is necessary in life.
    1. there has to be something here…

  3. Even she can raise a baby. He is going to have a tough time. At first he is going to live in exactly the world Snooks has created. He’s going to be fed so he gets fat, then she is going to yell at him to get his abs like Uncle “The Situation”. She is going to say, “be smart like me!” And then he’s going to be confused when she slaps a book out of his hands and yells at the teacher to turn his “D” into an “A”. She is going to be as confusing a person she is now as a mother and so the son is going to have to find out some interesting things about his mother. But he’s going to grow up. He’s probably going to have a kid. Then he’s going to pass on the baggage he couldn’t let go of to that kid. And it’s all going to be okay. They are going to be fine, the Shnooks.

    All Hail The Future King: Sheasar Shnooks

  4. Even ugly people can set trends. I’m sorry for calling you ugly, Mother Shnooks, but… well… shit. She’s not even ugly. Everyone that gets up in arms about anorexic girls in magazines should be shouting praise for the Snooki Who Loved Her Tummy. Oh, she has to say prayers each evening as well? She still set the trends. No girl has told me, “Kyle, Snooki has really helped me embrace my chub.” but the sentiment is there in the mocking. The same girls who watch Jersey Shore because “it’s funny how terrible they are doing at being human beings” are the same ones who show up three shades too tan with a poof and lollipop in their mouths. I don’t even know if Snooki does the lollipop thing. (Lollipops, tanness, poofs aren’t bad, just Snooki-inspired action.)  I shouldn’t focus on the girls, the guys are worse. GTL! Also, I’m not talking about crooked teeth when I say ugly. This is her most obvious Big Lie – if you are ridiculous enough long enough and confident enough people will believe… and transform!

    Rest In Snooks

  5. Even Shnooki will die. Snooki will spend her entire life doing exactly what she will do, and then she will die. I don’t know if she’s happy or not or if she believes herself, but she’s going to die and it’s all going to be over. She is going to go back into the state she was right after a star exploded to create the elements that eventually came to such a specific way as to create The Shnooks. Her Snooki experience is going to end and she’ll probably never know she was a Snooki. She might not know anything, or know everything to the point where Snookiness is a non-subject. I don’t know. But she’s going to die having been Snooki to the brim. I will have died knowing I spent time to write a blog post making fun of Snooki – and hopefully a little bit more than that.
  6. Snooki is passionate about her life. It seems like Snooki is most passionate about her life and people seeing her life. A lot of could could use a bit of passion for life as it is instead of thinking it lays solely in flute-playing or some other activity they haven’t ‘found’. (I hear she does enjoy flute-playing thoroughly though… AMIRIGHT!?)
  7. She embraces the Suck. Not the dirty kind, the overall kind. She apologizes for none of the awe-inspiringly terrible things she does. I don’t know anything about her, really, but I like to assume things about people. I’m assuming she is the least book-smart person in the world. I’m going to assume she makes mistakes and then yells at people for them.

In honor of the Snooks and embracing the Suck, I’m going to keep the title of this post “10” and only have 7 items. Then I’m going to tell you to fuck off about it. FUCK OFF! And have a day!