My Dearest Friends and Fucks,

I accidentally wrote a book of poems. I sat down one day writing ideas for businesses. Then ideas for business names. Then ideas for stories. Then a story. Then a poem-story. It’s good to write ideas. It makes my head hurt because I tear my idea-muscle. It’s a good sore. Not like a Snooki lip-sore but like a “The Situation” tummy sore. A tear that builds back bigger and badder. But what an odd turn to take – poetry?.

I wrote my first poem. Then my cousin Brook filmed me saying it.

That was number one. Bad but not the worst. I took a road trip and what better thing to do in the middle of a desert than write a poem? So I wrote one and became an addict of word-vomiting. I kept doing it. Without realizing it I wrote a few hundred of these little word-pukes. They sat in a journal stinking in their own stink.

A couple days ago one of the great artists of Universe Earth, Hunter Payne, launched a Kickstarter campaign to help distribute his book. It met it’s goal in less than eighteen hours and was one of the top Staff Picks. Watch out Biebler! It inspired me to put the “best” of these word-farts into a real-life paper-and-plastic book. Thanks Hunter and Reuben for reminding me to put my shit in front of other people.

I’ve shown a chunk of the poems to some people, this is what they’ve been saying:

your poems are the shit! – Jami

i like your poetry. reminds me of Philip Larkin with the vulgarity. – Michelle

They’re kind of cheeky and full of exuberant word-play. You’ve got enough poems there for a full book haha. – Will

They don’t love me like they pretend to. – The Obama Family dog

Can you spell “DESEPCHION”!?

If you’d like to help – and I need some help, this will become apparent in the poems below – me make the final selection for the book please message me at my Facebookery.

Here are some unthought thinkings:

If you got a soul
Throw it up on the pole
All naked and nude,
Some beauty is lewd

But don’t be embarrassed
Of what it is or aint
Even when you’re harassed
And called a taint

‘cause some people spook
at their own reflection
in the mirror of you they see a kook
some backstabbing protection

Don’t reach for your clothes
Don’t break your pose
For their demands bangin
Oh, the times they are a changin’

[Yes, Bob told me I could.]

Try harder
Try faster
Get dressed to stress
Get stressed to impress
Impress to get Laid
Then fuck the maid

I have permission to shit
It’s what keeps this page lit
And what gets a fat man fit
It even got Buddha to sit

It’s permission to suck
Take a fail till you ‘luck’
And learn to wade in the muck
Embarrassing at first, but fun as fuck
Losers lose
Winners win
But I don’t get the definition
A loss and a win
Depends on the game
Who wrote the rules?
Those with the fame
More important the frame
Bust out the crayons
And draw a sweet path
Better to color
Than study their math

It’s real nice here
Beautiful out
I grasp to explain
And cause a doubt

I don’t know how
Don’t have the skill
To show you the now
That I just killed

But maybe I am
It’s just the next thing
Not a pic from the cam
But inside my being

Probably not
You know my regrets
The beauty’s shot

The rabbits when wild
Hopping out a child
Even in the tale of
A hopacolypse
They hopped and laid
And hid
Simply because
That’s what they did
Jesus the Jew
Owned some shoes
It’s okay to consume
Advertising allows a fee to be me
Once I get to the store and secure the funds.
Thank God for you, goddess Nike
And thank pharmaceuticals for curing my runs.

I’m not being facetious, just speaking the truth.
The one set by default by They in their Vaults.
It’s good to know what to buy
But you forgot to check your why
It’s not for him or her or it or they
But because I want to get laid.
But that’s not different not a bit
I need a guide, what style fits
I’m a bit rambunctious, I want to feel free.
But I also hope they love looking at me.

Paradoxical pickles ideals create
It’s not so simple to choose a fate
So throw off the bowlines and explore our store
Of gizmos and esteem for the aspiring consumer whore.

I don’t hate, just wish I weren’t caught
In the same bullshit of being bought
But fuck it, just let me play
And I’ll stop caring at the end of the day

Here we go!