My 10 step program will free you from the tyranny of the burrito!

I am a Chipotle Expert. I was once interviewed by FOX News and in the corner of the screen it said, “Kyle Eschenroeder”. Then it said, “Chipotle Expert”. I swear to God. I’ve spent a good portion of my life mastering the Chipotle Order.

Joseph Campbell said that the hero’s journey must include bringing it all home. Without that it’s incomplete. So I stand before you as your Chipotle Hero. I have gone through the trenches and done my worst to get a big-ass bowl of food. The dragons have been confronted, the dark nights illuminated, the reflections reflected. I present to you, the Sacred Secrets of Ordering Chipotle.

The journey to the ultimate SALAD (!?)

  1. Smile. Don’t walk up to the Counter of Dreams pouting at the being who is going dish up your dish. If you have breasteses, display them graciously.
  2. Get a SALAD. Don’t let the fools make you feel like a pussy for saying the word ‘salad’. Science shows us that Chipotle Salads are the heaviest food items available. If you want a tortilla then ask – they’ll give you TWO. And get the dressing. It’s delicious.
  3. Brown rice. No trick, it’s just better for you than that nasty white shit.
  4. Both the beans! They try to trick you into choosing one bean type. Say, “both, thank you”.
  5. Fajitas! Then they will quickly go from beans to your meat. Tell them to get their asses back here and give you some fajita mix.
  6. Be excited. You need to be excited about your bowl if your server is going to be excited about it. Bring some energy to the counter. Act like they are making you the greatest food you’ve ever seen. You can’t wait to put that all in your face. Say things like “ohhhh yeahhh” or “that’s awesome!” or “ohh shooot” or “fuck yeah, baby, just like that”. Rub your nipple. The left one. A little harder.
  7. Meat. You can get half and half. Their half-scoop usually rounds up. So it looks something like 54% steak and 55% chicken. For you mathematicians out there, that’s 109% of a salad! Yeah, I broke mathematics with this shit. This is the pivotal moment, so stay excited! This is your protein! You’re nothing without it.
  8. Two salsas. I do mild AND medium. AND corn. AND sour cream.
  9. Guacamole. It’s $1.80 extra, but worth it. A Wholly Guacamole costs like $4.00 at the store and it’s not as good as the Chipotle stuff. If you have sucked up enough and say, “and a HUGE thing of guac”, they will usually dish you up an entire box of Wholly Guac.
  10. Niceness.  Complement, smile, laugh. “Nice tattoo, was your mother really a sailor?” “Great gauges! Looks like you’re pushing a full inch!” “Great technique!” “I like the way you smell.” “I think I’m in love.” “You really know what you’re doing.” “How’s your weekend going?”

So now you know. It’s not my fault if you get a puny bowl of slop. The secrets are yours! I wouldn’t be surprised if you started getting laid more after this. People are attracted to a hefty bowl. You’re welcome for changing your life forever.

Don’t believe me?

I don’t have to have faith, I have experience. – Joseph Campbell

Why dedicate a post on Chipotle to Joseph Campbell? Because I’ve lost touch with reality.

[Edit: My cousin Kristen has shared a powerful testimonial with me concerning the Tortilla Technique:

It blew my mind when I saw two guys both ask for the tortillas on the side. They made TWO burritos with their bowl…

Powerful stuff.]