2012 is going to be nuts… but probably not as much as we think. It seems everyone has a prophecy for the end of that year. Of course the Mayan calendar ends, that’s spooky, right? Terrence McKenna said something about it too. I don’t know about any of that stuff really, but it’s kind of interesting and I heard Wikipedia is pretty hip with it.

I couldn’t think up any sweet supernatural things to predict. I’m not good at that stuff. My future-sense does not work like the magical lot. I’m just looking at shit around me and then making assumptions about what they’ll look like later. I’m sure to make an ass out of myself, but only you believing my batshit crazy ideas will make and ass out of you. Or won’t, because maybe there isn’t anything to even do about them. Either way:


…ad infinitum…

The future is copyrighted, and loves retro street signs

1. To start out strong, I’m going to use an idea that’s not mine. There will be the most ever Black Swan Events of all time. Papa Talib define’s his Black Swans in three simple steps.:

First, it is an outlier, as it lies outside the realm of regular expectations, because nothing in the past can convincingly point to it’s possibility. Second, it carries an extreme impact (unlike the bird). Third, in spite of its outlier status, human nature makes us concoct explanations for its occurrence after the fact, making it explainable and predictable.

9/11 was a black swan, so was Guitar Hero, and so was Hitler. Black Swans spawn from trying new things constantly. Justin Bieber came out of nowhere because of YouTube (then Usher).

if only they all came like this...

2012 is going to be a ‘fuck it’ year for a lot of people. Because even if you don’t believe that the end is neigh, you are going to be inundated by talk about it. Your brain will be so packed full of 2012 bullshit from news and ‘science’ articles and your friends talking about it that there is no way you will escape it. Even if you dismiss it all as the bullshit (most of) it is, there will be that seed in your mind of ‘well, shit, I could die this year or tomorrow, is this where I want it to happen?” So they are going to play. They are going to constantly be making and sharing and doing things that would usually not be done. Because, well, fuck it. And they are going to put all their doings on the internet and the really exciting doings are going to be spread as they are and we’ll have a Black Swan. Thinking of death tends to get our balls on the wall. More people will be getting more uncomfortable in their jobs.

2. The market is going to go down. The idea of America declining into nothingness forever and ever is becoming amazingly popular. When every asshole knows what’s going on with the economy you know something big is about to happen. And it tends to be the opposite of popular opinion. When everyone is all in on the downside, the only place to go is up. Sure, there are a lot of forces in the world that point to the decline of the American empire. And I think they have a lot of valid points. And I do have a gloomy economic forecast for the US of A. But not now, maybe some time next year.

Timing markets reliably is damn hard, Warren Buffet knows that. We do know that markets hate uncertainty. And I’m predicting a lot of uncertainty. So I think that we’ll see our little bull here to continue into 2012. But before the end of 2012 ends, when that asteroid gets near, everybody is going to cry because all their money went away again.

3. Increasingly radical politics. Ron Paul will no longer be a laughing stock. During this insane time of uncertainty people will cling to a man who (1) hasn’t changed any of his fundamental beliefs in years and (2) represents what is supposed to be the most stable document there is, the Constitution. Protests are going to intensify – in violence and in popularity. There is already a return of the activist culture in the US and around the world, but things will intensify along with everything else next year.

I guess it doesn't need to be said any better

Occupy Wall Street is a demonstration of just how pissed off everyone is. They don’t understand who to blame, they just know they’re mad because some people have money and others don’t. They don’t understand that the government they demand protect them is the same one used by billionaires to bend them over. And we won’t ever have a mass understanding, we’ll just have mass anger. Because we get angry at things we see on TV, the most terrible collection of information to act on ever.

Their in bed making babies, hideous little shits

4. Psychedelics are going to become more widely used and accepted. The last couple years has brought a huge amount of research regarding psilocybin. There is a lot of evidence of the clinical uses of psychedelics to help with depression and anxiety.

Weed is being legalized – or at least decriminalized – around the country at an increasing rate. It’s widely celebrated for it’s medical uses and there aren’t many left that don’t see it’s prohibition as more ridiculous than that of alcohol. Weed opens up minds. When people realize that the taboo around marijuana has been completely irrational there will be an awakening to the possibility of ‘maybe this fungi won’t bring us all to hell’.

Also, there are millions of baby boomers retiring. Besides needing hip replacements, they need meaning in their lives. So they are going to go to therapy and they are going to meditate and do more yoga and read the Bible … and then they are going to remember back to when they were growing up and have hippie nostalgia. And then they are going to find a magical cow patty.

Silicon Valley badasses pour into Burning Man every year

Burning Man and other Transformational Festivals  are growing in popularity. These things are essentially hippie revivals. The pictures are wild.

5. There will be a lot of dream chasing. The world is going to fucking end, what do you do!? You go do that thing you’ve always wanted to. Or buy that thing that you can’t really afford but shit, it’s the one thing that would make life worth living. Again, it doesn’t really matter that most people don’t care about the 2012 theories and fewer believe them. There are enough people that do that it will constantly be in people’s psyches. Enough talk about any idea and you inevitably start to consider it. “Well, even if the world isn’t going to end, my life could, so why the fuck am I not doing the thing I enjoy?”

I don’t think it’s going to be a majority, but a noticeable minority. And maybe chasing isn’t the best option.

maybe this guy doesn't have a choice anymore...

6. There will be less people going to college because well, why go when you can chase your dreams? Of course this is already happening.

7. Increased crime – violent and otherwise. I’m not saying all crime is bad. The government is the true criminal in most cases. When people say ‘fuck it’, they don’t all have dreams to live out. Maybe they try drugs they’ve always wanted to, maybe the kill that guy who has always pissed them off, maybe the steal things, they commit fraud, they panic. When people panic shit gets crazy. They do weird things. All their emotional baggage is front and center and they can’t deal with it. So the blow up in weird ways.

selling raw milk, which is the only way to get many of the best milkish nutrients, is a criminal act

8. There’s going to be a mass suicide. And then a bunch of sad beings won’t be with us anymore. I wonder if they’ll follow tradition?

death has never been so palatable

9. Money is going to pour into space travel industries. If a couple billionaires can live out the rest of their lives on a space station when the giant asteroid comes, then they’ll do it.

I admit that I have no reason for saying this other than wanting to think of this:

10. The doom’n’gloom industry is going to boom. Emergency underground living areas are going to continue to get more takers. Emergency rations are going to sell like they’ve never sold before

People freak out and need to believe somebody

People freak out and need to believe somebody


11. Sex industries are going to boom. The world’s ending, you only got one chance to live out that fantasy with 8-sided dildo and a pterodactyl costume.

12. Religiosity is going to boom. GOD SAVE ME JESUS CHRIST ALLAH JEHOVA OBAMA SOMEONE FUCKING MAKE ME GO TO HEAVEN MAKE IT BE OKAY. Anytime uncertainty spikes, so does our craving for certainty. Maybe people will look farther east than usual, maybe they’ll look to shamanism, or maybe they’ll adopt Christianity in a more intense way. Maybe they’ll make it a part of themselves, like David Blaine did:

and you thought his magic was just trickery...

This search for religiosity will extend outside of religions into other things too. Again, when we’re smacked in the face with uncertainty we just grasp more desperately for it. I think this will bring even more polarized views. People will hold on to their beliefs for dear life. We already see this in a lot of areas, especially politics, but I think it’ll get worse.

13. Gold and silver prices will continue their rise. In uncertain times people run to what they consider safe. For thousands of years, gold and silver have been the go-to guys for funny fiscal business.

The future is a slipper son of a gun. I don’t know what’s going to happen. A lot of what I said is just “this is what is happening and I think it will keep happening in a bigger way”. It would be interesting to look at stuff that happened pre-Y2K and compare. I remember a lot of worry and not a lot of fans getting shit-hit. That’s what’s going to happen next year for the most part. Of course, intense worry brings it’s own changes.

I think we’re going to be just fine. But maybe not. Just in case, I want you to know…

I love you. ❤